1. You are attending sex addiction 12-step meetings. For those who live in areas without support groups for sex addicts, online options are available. Attend SAA, AA, etc. at least 7 seven days a week or once daily. Get involved in another recovery group, such as a therapist-led group or a men’s church group (for those who are religious). (https://saa-recovery.org/)
2. Get a sponsor. An addict who is doing real recovery will actively seek out a sponsor and other accountability partners that you can communicate with regularly. You should be communicating with your sponsor and accountability partners throughout the week.
3. YOU are “working the program.” This means you are actively working the steps with your sponsor. Twelve-steppers like to say, “Come early and stay late.” The opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety. It is connection. An important part of recovery is learning to connect with others in healthy ways.
4. You are seeing a sex addiction counselor. Recovery can be done without counselling, but it will be much more difficult. If the money is truly not there, an extra weekly group or meeting can be a substitute. But using money as an excuse not to go to counseling (but having money to spend on tee time for example) means you are not taking recovery seriously.
5. 90 days of celibacy from ejaculation: Taking sex off the table forces both sides to build a relationship founded on REAL emotional intimacy rather than sexual intimacy.
- Goal #1 is to equip the couple with a new language based on trust and safety whereby a deeper emotional connection is established.
- Goal #2 is to have your brain (pre-frontal cortex) re-adjust to lower levels of the neurotransmitter named dopamine where the feeling of pleasure is derived.
6. You are gradually becoming more patient and empathetic with your partner. Your wife and children come first. Every day you should express REMORSE.
7. You are making your partner and family the priority over others, such as parents, colleagues, or peers. This means putting your partner first.
8. You do all you can to help your partner feel safe. Examples of this are giving her free access to your phone, all passwords, social media, and bank accounts, as well as keeping your phone location services turned on.
9. You are gradually becoming more open, honest, and vulnerable in all areas of his life with your partner. You no longer manipulate or gaslight her.
10. You are learning to set boundaries. This includes not going out to lunch or being alone with other women. Also, gently set boundaries for yourself to provide time for sleep, breaks, time-outs, and downtime so you can be in the best possible place to succeed in recovery.
11. You are willing to do a therapeutic disclosure with polygraph. Secrets fuel shame and shame fuels addiction. Working with a qualified sex addiction counselor will guide you and your partner remove the secrets from your marriage. This allows for the development of trust, intimacy and forgiveness over time.
12. Finally, you encourage your partner, without any pressuring, to find support, regardless of the cost to help her deal with her trauma. You are willing to watch the kids and care for the home in order for her to attend counseling, support groups and do other good self-care activities.
13. FINALLY, YOU NEED TO MAKE YOUR RECOVERY THE PRIORITY OF YOUR LIFE. You would attend chemo or radiation therapy if you wanted to recover from cancer. Recovery from sex and porn addiction requires the same commitment if you wish to make the next 30, 40 or 50 years of your life happier and more meaningful than the years that have preceded them.
One addition to serious recovery is about medications-Serious people will see their family doctor or better yet a psychiatrist. Medications for anxiety, depression or compulsive behaviour will NOT make the problem go away. It will l make you more stable and receptive to therapy and peer group support.