Why Would You Do That? (Watch Your Wife with Another Man)
There are varied reasons for this desire. Some were nice, and some were not so nice, but a discussion of this phenomenon deserves consideration of all the reasons and motivations. So here is a list of the motivations, based upon my research, behind why men would be interested in watching their wives with other men:
- Voyeurism. Many suggest that we live in a “pornified culture,” where most men of college-age and older have seen pornography, and use it as a part of their sexual repertoire. If they are used to such a voyeuristic process in their sexuality, there is some legitimacy to suggesting they may incorporate it into their marital sexuality. Watching your wife have sex with another man may be a next step, or progression, from watching yourselves have sex by having a mirror on the ceiling, then using a video camera during sex, and finally watching one’s spouse with someone else. Many men told me, “My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world to me. I’d rather watch her having sex than some porn actress I don’t know.”
- Sperm competition. There is a biological response playing out here, one that affects a male sexual drive. After watching their wife with another man, the husband is prompted biologically to have longer, more vigorous sex, has a shorter refractory period between erections, ejaculates harder, and his ejaculate contains more sperm. Nearly every couple interviewed said that after an episode of the wife having sex with another man, the couple felt like they were “in heat.”
- The thrill of the taboo. There are few things in our society as stigmatized as a husband whose wife is unfaithful. Historically, such men have been beaten, ostracized, and ridiculed, and regarded as weak, “sissy men.” Some of the men described explicitly that the taboo was the thrill for them, from the excitement of the forbidden and the naughty.
- Female empowerment. I was surprised by how many of these couples embraced powerful feminist principles, and how many husbands described the joy they felt at their wife’s increased independence, confidence, and assertiveness, coming from her freedom to have sex with other men. Many of the men expressed that through their wife’s open sexuality, the couple was actively and consciously rejecting social pressures to suppress female sexuality, assert monogamy and patriarchal power.
- Bisexuality. For more than half of the men I interviewed, male bisexuality played a role in the husband’s desires to watch his wife have sex with another man. This played out in different dynamics. Sometimes, bringing a man to bed with the wife was a pretext—a bait and switch if you will—for the husband to then engage sexually with the man as well. Sometimes, the husbands were very concerned about being seen as heterosexual, but they spent an awful lot of time looking for well-endowed men for their wife. To my mind, a man who is that focused on the size of other men’s penises really doesn’t qualify as all that straight.
- Physical health issues. In Lady Chatterley’s Lover, Lord Chatterley was physically unable to have intercourse with his wife (though as my own wife points out, his fingers and tongue still worked just fine; why wasn’t he using them?). A number of men who reported that due to physical complaints, they weren’t able to be as vigorous in bed as they and their wives would like. While the wives by and large were happy with things as they were, the husbands often felt their wife’s loss of sexual satisfaction more strongly than the wife themselves, and were motivated to encourage the wife to sleep with other men.
- Female sexual fulfillment. Women’s sexual capacity is far greater than that of males’. The world record for male orgasms is about 26 in a 24-hour period. Per Sherfey’s research, women have documented as many as 60-65 orgasms in a single hour. I saw many men who reported that their wives were highly sexual beings, with a greater sexual capacity, and it simply turned the husbands on and pleased them to be able to see their wives sexually satisfied, at a degree that a single husband couldn’t match. I also speculate that there is a degree of vicarious experience here: By being a part of the experience, the husband gets to vicariously experience what it’s like to have that greater sexual capacity, and identifies in a strong manner with his wife and the essence of female sexuality in a way that most men never experience.
- Masochism. Leopold von Sacher-Masoch was a 19th-century fan of flagellation who wrote Venus in Furs about dominant women. Masochism was named after him. Leopold posted ads in German newspapers of the day, looking for “energetic young men” to befriend and pleasure his wife. Leopold’s interest in the experience was specifically the humiliation aspect—being cuckolded, treated as weak, lesser, and not a real man. Like those who seek the taboo, these cuckolds often seek out a strong SM flavor, in which the husbands are dominated, belittled, and degraded.
- Financial reasons. Most of the women working in Nevada’s brothels have husbands and boyfriends at home, who benefit from the wife’s sexual exploits for pay. It’s not always about the money. A wife said that when she was working as a manager at a brothel, one of the women always called her husband on her cellphone before bringing a man back to her room for a “party.” Unbeknownst to that man, her husband was getting off listening in on the phone. The financial part is a piece that can’t be ignored, as it has been around for a long time. In England, men would sometimes set up their wives to be seduced by a man, so that the husband could then sue the man in court. In Florida, in the 1990’s, the sheriff husband of the “Housewife Hooker” hid in the closet videotaping his “nymphomaniac wife” with other men (notably Republican politicians), whom he then blackmailed.
- The royalty perk. In the 1960’s Motown song, the line goes “save the last dance for me,” as the husband watches his wife dance with other men. Many of the men got a thrill, a sense of being “king” that they had a wife who was so sexy that other men wanted to be with, but who ultimately came home with him, the husband. It made the men feel powerful and successful that they had such a sexy wife.
- Misogyny. Sadly, some couples in which the husband’s encouragement of the wife to have sex with other men was about degrading the woman. Some of these men talked about treating the wife as a whore, as a piece of meat, and “taking her down a peg.”
A common fantasy is that the practice of wife-sharing starts when a husband catches his wife cheating, and finds himself strangely turned on. This might happen sometimes, though very, very rarely. Usually, the “eroticization of fear” hypothesis, that these men so fear their wife’s infidelity that they eroticize the fear, in order to reduce the anxiety, managing it by sexuality, until they have turned the fear into a sexual fetish. In my book,
But for some men, the act of watching their wife effectively cheating is actually something they enjoy.
‘Cuckolding’ sounds like a nightmare to some, but for others it’s a fantasy.
Apparently, “cuckolding” – which is watching your partner have sex with someone else – is increasing in popularity.
The fetish mainly applies to married couples who enjoy watching their spouse engage in sexual activity.
The term cuckolding was originally a phrase used for men whose wives had sex with other men.
This, in turn, stems from the cuckoo bird, which has a tendency to lay its eggs in another bird’s nest.
In some cases, the cuckolding incident can become a threesome
A recent study showed that more people are trying out cuckolding.
Men were asked via an anonymous sex app called Whiplr why they like cuckolding.
One of these men included Simon, 29, an IT consultant from London – who likes to watch his girlfriend have sex with other men.
He said: “I’ve been into cuckolding for a while and do it with my girlfriend.
“What I like most is the feeling of helplessness. I guess that’s the turn-on, watching my girlfriend being taken by another man in front of me. I’m very dominant when we’re alone, but when another man joins us, I’m the cuck.”
The sex sessions tend to be about dominance and exploration
“But I don’t interact with the man, it’s more about watching them.
“It’s made us more passionate as a couple, although we have rules while we do it. Newbies who are starting out should take it slow and not dive in head-first. Things can go awfully wrong if the couple aren’t sure they would like it.”
Harry, 55, a banker also from London prefers to cuckold the other way around.
He told the Metro: “I enjoy being the man invited to please a wife in front of her hubby. A few days ago, I visited a couple and was there for several hours.
“This particular husband is bisexual and will watch, as well as give me oral sex.
“He especially likes the humiliation of seeing his wife enjoy sex with another man. Sometimes, he’ll also be allowed to have sex with her.”
Some anonymous users said it is the men who usually arrange the sessions
Jerobi, 28, explained via the sex app that he enjoyed feeling humiliated by the act.
“The main reason I like cuckolding is because it’s completely backwards and doesn’t make any sense. I like the rejection and the humiliation.”
“Once you get the girl of your dreams, you’re bored. The best way to keep it spicy is by letting her turn you down.
“And what better way for her to do that, than to have sex with another man right in front of you?”
Seeing and being turned on by one’s partner having sex with other people is more broadly known as cuckoldry (among straight, “monogamous” types). It can also be called compersion (among poly types).
Compersion is when you witness someone else’s joy and it makes you feel joyful yourself. (A fun experiment that proves this is to gather a few friends and start fake laughing. Your fake guffaws will turn into real laughter in a matter of seconds! Because joy is really contagious, like the greeting cards say.) Compersion is the opposite of jealousy. Cuckoldry is when you witness someone else’s joy and it makes you feel bad (humiliated, degraded), and then good (degradation can be hot!).
If your husband is into seeing you with other people because it makes him feel bad-then-good, he’s probably a cuck. The reason this is enjoyable is because it’s humiliating. Cuckoldry takes our deep shames and insecurities and then eroticizes them.
Watching a partner with someone else, being present and orchestrating that humiliation themselves, is a way to take back power in a situation where they might otherwise feel powerless. It’s mental masochism.
Whereas some people like physical pain (floggers and canes and whips and good ol’ spanking or slapping) others like mental pain (wanting to be called a slut, for instance). Psychological suffering can be immensely powerful. Desire starts in the mind, after all.